One of these days, I'll break.

So I’ve just realized how much anger I have towards my parents...don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love them to pieces, but sometimes they can be just so unbelievably unreasonable. And I hate feeling angry, it’s completely counter-productive but sometimes they can be too much...my father who thinks he’s still in his twenties and actually thinks he’s cool...he might listen to good music, be rather narcissistic, and have hardly any gray hair at the age of fifty, but let’s face it...you’re not young, and you’re not really as cool as you seem to think, stop pretending to be a rock star and start acting your bloody age...then there’s my mother, queen of the brats...it’s like being around a teenager, she’s incredibly unreasonable and manipulative, and just plain immature...they both need to grow up.

I think my anger for them stems back to my childhood when they gave away my bike...and my paddling pool. A bike is essential for every human being’s development, but they decided the roads which surrounded my house were simply too dangerous for their little princess to be riding around on...in all fairness, I think the cars needed to be afraid of me, not the other way round...I once rode into a parked police car by accident and broke the wing mirror off, my bad...I’ve never been good at co-ordination...then they gave my paddling pool to the local priest for his geese to use! Mon dieu, I cannot believe that they thought silly over-sized ducks deserved that pool more than me, c’est ridicule!

I think they gave away my cat Fluffy too, either that or it died...they still haven’t told me the truth and said that he just disappeared, sure...he was too fat to climb over the fence so I highly doubt he just disappeared like they allege.
And I’m not claiming to be perfect, I know that I’m not...there’s plenty of things wrong with the way I behave and I could do with a good dose of reality and a chance to behave like a real adult...but with parents like these, it’s just not going to happen any time soon.

And the worst thing is that they control my food, they’ve done this since forever, but recently it’s become super bad...which is so incredibly annoying...if I say I don’t like something, then don’t give it to me, I don’t care if it’s considered healthy, because we all know that actually your version of "healthy" is my version of "calorie-laden" and definitely don’t give it to me twice, because I will be a selfish brat and refuse to eat it...and I’m definitely not eating your stupid deep fried whatever and chips...oh hi, I use Faceboutique cleanser and moisturiser, do I look like the type of person who’s going to overload my body with saturated fats? Um, NO.
I would happily live the rest of my life eating just toast, strawberries, kiwis, bananas and yogurt...that’s not a bad diet, perhaps not the most balanced, but who cares, I certainly don’t...I’m never going to be a "live to eat" type of person.

JUST LET ME EAT WHAT I WANT TO EAT, AND WHEN I WANT TO EAT IT, and buy me Wii Fit.

Thank goodness I’m going running with Stephanie tomorrow.

Fighting to remember that nothing will be lost in the end.

This morning, I discovered that I’ve been sharing my bedroom with a hugely gigantic spider...I’m not sure how long it’s been cohabiting with me, or why it had to choose my quarters as I’m especially bugaphobic...so I guess you could say I’m not too fond of my new room-mate...and I’m quite superstitious so I’d rather not kill it – ‘let a spider run alive blah blah blah’ – plus, I’d feel terrible killing it when I didn’t know the family situation; could have recently had spiderbabies et al...but at the same time, I’m way too much of a pansy to attempt removing it from my room...so I guess the most sensible thing to do would be to remove myself instead...I’m resigning to the couch ce soir.

But other than that, today was amazing...I went swimming in the AM with Joseph and got surprisingly tan for just being out an hour or so, then, I took a glitter bubble bath which was just so lovely! I still have some glitter in my hair, and I love it, it makes me feel even more like a mermaid...then, I made myself some tea and sat by the garden to drink it...it was so incredibly English, I said that I felt like a little girl with their first tea set as I sat in the sun pouring out my pot of tea, mmm, just lovely.

Later in the PM, I headed over to Stephanie's house to watch the premier of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and I must say, I was rather disappointed...then, we ended up watching "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" with Stephanie's sister and her friends, I'm not really a fan of that show, I find it rather disgusting, but it was intense.

And I found loads of old baby photos earlier this evening, I was quite cute...apparently as you get older your appearance changes to how you used to look when you were under the age of five, I'd be perfectly happy with that...I was even over-dressed back then – especially for the beach...je ne sais pas, I guess I should just blame my parents, I loved my childhood...in fact I still am a child, and I’m still having a brilliant time.

And also, I always hear that British have bad teeth, but today, I found out that it's not their fault...their government bans the whitening stuff over there whereas we can go out and buy Crest whitening from Walmart or wherever, and have slumber parties whitening our teeth...well, so I've heard.

Welp, I'm off!
LS, x

Helllloooo...

I have so much to do, and so little time...blllaaahhhh...I wish we had like 28hour days or something, it'd just be that little bit easier. And I’ve just spilled tea all over the desk, I’m so clumsy...this is probably why I should stick to the rule that beverages are not to be taken around any sort of electronics, mon dieu.

Blah boys are icky, I forgot how complicated and drama filled being single was...if you're single then apparently there's this unwritten rule whereby you're not allowed to innocently talk to a boy - because if you talk to someone's boyfriend then obviously you want them for yourself...there's no possibility on the face of the earth that you'd just want to be friends with them, ugh...I cannot stand psycho girlfriends...I'm so glad I was never one of those, it must take a seriously insecure person to be like that...the type of girlfriend that sees you've commented their boyf's myspace, so creates a whole new profile and adds you and starts messaging you to find out how you know the boy or if you've ever made out with him, some people have way too much free time on their hands...it seems like romance is dead, and instead replaced by fighting and bad manners...ugh, I also forgot that since I'm single, I'll have to buy myself white roses...booooo, so inconvenient.

Ugh, and why am I so indecisive!?! I blame my mother, she always told me to never accept second best, silly life lesson...I'm pretty much screwed for the rest of my life.
All I know is that I need to do something, something important, and big...I need a bit of an adventure.
I'm still so young, but I want to do everything...I'm impatient, it's probably my biggest flaw, I always want things now, I can't be bothered to wait for a few months...I could be dead by then, I hate feeling as though I could be wasting opportunities, I need to grow up...and I think I'll only be able to do that if I'm away from my family...as much as I love them all, I'm too sheltered, I'm spoiled...I really am, so all the time I'm around them I won't be learning anything new, because I'm in my comfort zone where I know that if something goes wrong and I mess up I can just go running back to my father and ask him to get me out of the situation, and so it's a never ending cycle of me being too prissy.

Welp, tennis anyone?

La La Land is where it's at...

I'm feeling so ridiculously over the moon happy, there's nothing bad in my life at all at the moment (except, the traumatic event that happened...but it's over now, and I'm okay), everything just seems super positive...and I've not reached the point where I'm feeling too over-whelmed from the happiness, so it's still the good type of happy...if that makes any sense...mmm, life overwhelms me a lot when it's too good, I just don't seem to know what's going on, things just pass in a blur and I remain in a sort of bewildered state...which I'm not so fond of, I like to be properly aware of what's happening, like now.

But, you know, I’m far too independent for my own good, but I like it this way…don’t count on people, and they can’t let you down…that’s how it works in La La Land…we wear pretty cocktail dresses with heels and pearls, and leave a trail of glitter behind us as we dance around a cute chateau with the fairies…it’s my heaven, you’re invited, but you have to be special and meet the criteria, Stephanie and Carly are always welcome, because we’re sort of a trio, we just fit like pieces of a puzzle...people don’t understand us, but we understand each other, so it’s okay.

Ugh, and there was a spider in my shoe this morning...I completely freaked out, me and le bugs do not get along...someone once told me that spiders crawl into your ears when you're asleep and lay eggs in your brain, and then the eggs hatch and spiders eat you from the inside out, ew..gross.
Is it any wonder that i have an irrational fear of anything insect-y?

I'm working out my life plan, I know where I'm going, I know who I'm going to be...or who I already am, and it's far from perfect, but it's good enough for me...this is an exciting time in my life, I'm growing up but still managing to keep that balanced with being fabulous, mon dieu!

A day of self-discovery...

I feel so directionless, not unhappy directionless, no, I’m unbelievably happy…I just don’t know where my life’s heading.
What am I supposed to be when I’m older?
Where am I supposed to live?
I feel like Atlantis, the lost continent.

People tell me that it’s okay not to know where your life’s leading, but it’s not okay…I want to know, and so far my "possible career" list is full of crossed out words and scribbles…and some cute hearts doodled in the corner…so this list, there’s millions of professions on it; astronaut, ballerina, plastic surgeon, soccer player, mountain climber, nutritionalist, queen of England, fashion designer, fashion stylist, Mi5 agent, photographer, Olympic fencer, chef, actress…my family have always told me to aim high, and this list was started in about 1998, hence the variety…it’s frustrating when you’re told by so many people that they know you’ll be "successful in life and have the ability to succeed in everything you do"…but how on earth am I possibly going to do well and succeed when I don’t even know what I’m going to succeed in?!

Maybe the answer to all of my problems is to become employed as a character at Disney World...I could be Belle, and wear a pretty yellow dress.

And I was weighing up the pros and cons of becoming a nun and a crazy cat lady earlier...I’ve decided entering a nunnery would be better because black and white really suits me...plus I read an article (I seem to be starting every sentence with those words lately – clearly I’m reading a lot) which said that nuns are evolving to suit the "noughties" and consequently can wear makeup, indulge in fanciful things...and even, here’s the shocker: have SEX...who knew? I'm not too sure if I believe it though.
The crazy cat lady idea was soon discarded when I realized I’d probably be sick at the smell of cat food, ugh...plus I don’t handle death very well and I think I’d be distraught if I became attached to millions of cats, all of whom would die in the end, and leave me lonely...or eat me like in this TV show that I saw...television is such a bad influence on my phobias.

Oh, and I read a report that if you sleep with your cell phone close to you then it apparently stops you from sleeping properly, which leads to tiredness the next day, and then depression, and then suicide…extreme, I know…so starting from this evening I shall be leaving my phone somewhere far away from me, I’d like at least thirty more years buying pretty dresses and having tea parties with glitter.

I should read July’s British Vogue, but it looks so uninspiring...it’s been strategically placed on my desk in my room so that whenever I’m in there (which is a good 60% of my day), I’ll see it, and be painfully reminded of how I’d rather read a manual on how to change a car tire than subject myself to the incredibly lacklustre pages of this issue...features on Duffy (who I cannot stand), Margaret Thatcher (who looks so out of place in an editorial on "women with innate style"), and a feature with Uma Thurman – yes, she’s gorgeous, but yes, she’s also incredibly boring...this is probably the worst Vogue issue I’ve seen in a while – not including American Vogue which is rubbish 80% of the time. Why couldn’t they have had Anja Rubik working the cover and inside pages like in German Vogue? Google that editorial, I can’t be bothered to post the pictures – they seem to be on everyone’s blog at the moment anyway...but they’re breath-taking, I was in awe whilst looking at the pictures.

LS, x

I'm a fabulous nobody...

you can't determine my happiness anymore...

I really tried to attain this idea of perfection, but made myself seriously unhappy in the process and ended up with more imperfections that I started with...I let things go too far, and I'm ashamed.
but I'm changing, I'm not like that anymore, that's just not me, or who I want to be...I've wasted time, and I'm happy to say that I think it's all over.

someone's always going to be better, prettier, smarter, and funnier than me, and I guess I'm okay with that, now...I just don't care anymore, I want to go back to the me I was, when everything was a big adventure, when I used to get stuck in tables, laugh at myself, talk about the most random of things, have my friends love me...I really loved being like that, being so care-free.

last week I was forced to get better, but it was for the wrong reason...now, I'm getting better for me, and nobody else.

I'm sorry to all my friends that I've worried lately, I know I've done some crazy stuff, and I didn't mean to hurt any of you...I just want you all to forgive me...I know I've messed up big time, but I think it's all going to be okay.
I'm learning to re-love myself, treat myself with respect, and I don't care if I'm not loved by anyone else, because as long as I love myself, that's all that matters.

If you're not lost, I guess that means you're found...

Mon dieu, it seems like aaggggeeess since I last posted something.

So today was incredibly boring...I woke up at the excruciatingly earlt hour of 8A.M., because I left my blinds open once again...I don't like closing them, it makes my room look too dark, plus, I like when the sun wakes me up...so anyways, I went back to sleep until noon and was finally able to drag myself out of bed.

I'm trying this new diet thing, where you're not supposed to eat any sort of substantial food for two days...it's not working very well, I ate so much today, but I'll just workout a lot tomorrow and not eat tomorrow...not very smart, but I've got to be bikini ready for Saturday, but I know I won't be, but it doesn't hurt to try, right? Well, I'm super excited about going to Destin with Stephanie this weekend, and a whole bunch of other Lebanese people who I won't understand, but atleast I can lay out on the beach and swim in the ocean with my long mermaid hair and my pretty mermaid nails, la la la...

Bleugh, my legs are causing me too much pain at the moment...a couple nights ago, I hoola-hooped around the entire house and pop, lock, and dropped it for a good two hours.
Why did I do that?

So let me get back to telling you about my unbearably boring day, because I know you're just dying to read about it.
So after I woke up, I danced around to Blondie for a good ten minutes, went to Whole Foods, and did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day, until I went to Barnes and Noble with Stephanie, Malayne, and Jessie...we had fun there, it brought back some memories...pretty cool chicks, they are.


So the boredom has now set in.
I like to think that I’m doing my bit to save the planet...so, instead of doing something productive, I’m sitting here, writing this blog...and before this, I painted my nails, dressed up in an old Halloween costume – the Pocahontas one from the Disney store that I randomly have and attempted to curl my hair, which didn’t quite work but I like the end result anyway...I also experimented with some new makeup, and ended up resembling an Egyptian, whatever...so I’m currently looked completely over made-up – and why have I gone to all this trouble when the only date I have tonight is with Breakfast at Tiffanys? Because I am BORED....BORED, BORED, BORED...thank goodness I'll be busy tomorrow.

Oh, and I'm quite stoked about having a photoshoot with Malayne and Jessie, and whoever else wants to come...I GET TO BE THE PHOTOGRAPHER! Time for cuteness!

Tell me how your day's been.